Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
