Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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