so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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