On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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