What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
