I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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