Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
