Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
