I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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