Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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