Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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