I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
