he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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