I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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