genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
