I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
