I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
