I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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