I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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