U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
