I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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