it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
