Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
