just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
