just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
