sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
