Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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