Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
