i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
