Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
