I feel great
I just peed on a car
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
