the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I supernannyed him into submission
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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