I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
