I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
