I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
