Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
