I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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