Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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