I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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