Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
ttyl tear gas
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
