Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
