Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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