Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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