I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
