I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
