Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
