We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
