It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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