I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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