Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
