You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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