last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
